Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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