I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
