i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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