so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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