Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
