at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
