Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
