I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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