Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
