Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
