summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
