So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I FOUND THE LEGS
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
