Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
