this beer tastes like vomit already
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
