Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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