Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
