apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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