I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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