Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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