I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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