I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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