just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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