No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
