96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
