I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
