someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
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