I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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