dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
