I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
