dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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