I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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