I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
high people should be assigned attendants
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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