do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
