i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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