the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
