i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Your cock deserves a montage
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
