i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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