Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Randomize
