I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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