you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
