Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I need to calm my uterus...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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