just survived the first fart of the relationship.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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