I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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