i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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