The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
