gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
