My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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