Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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