I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
