Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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