i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize