I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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