My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
