I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
