Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Randomize