there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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