Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
