Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize