Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
