I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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