Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
