After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
