I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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